I often write about saving marriages after affairs or cheating. Sometimes women write me and insinuate that they have a confession or want to tell me something that they are ashamed of. Then, they'll say something like "I still love my husband even though he cheated or had an affair." They will say this as if they are confessing some awful deep, dark secret or that something is wrong with them for feeling this way. Before I get into why what I am about to tell you is true, I need to say that these feelings are completely normal and that you don't need to apologize for or feel guilty about this. It is completely understandable to hate and loathe what your husband did and still be able to separate one act from the person himself who has had many other redeeming qualities and with whom you have tons of history and memories. I'll explain this more in the following article.
Why It's Perfectly Normal To Still Love Your Husband: I remember that after my husband's affair, I would feel defensive in my heart when my friends would go on and on about what a jerk my husband was. I never verbalized this because I was ashamed and I too was furious at my husband and conceded that his actions were very jerk - like. I could not defend what he did and I never will. It was deplorable.
But, in the corners of my heart, I knew that this one act could not cancel out the man who had repeatedly sat up with and comforted sick children, the man who sat in my grandfather's hospital room when they removed life support because I couldn't bear to do it but I didn't want my grandfather to die alone, and the man who has supported me and loved me for over twenty years. I was not ready to throw that away just over one person and one act.
Did that make me weak, mean that I didn't have a backbone, or that I was letting my husband off too easily? That's really not for me to say. But, at the end of the day, our marriage is really only the concern of both of us. I know that my friends loved me and meant well, but they are not in my marriage. They will not grow old with me or help me raise my children. This decision was mine and mine alone and I had to act in accordance to how I felt and what my heart and my gut was telling me.
Why Still Loving Your Husband Is Not The Same As Condoning The Affair: I firmly believe that you can separate your love for your husband and your loathing and anger toward the affair. I don't believe that it's possible to just switch off and on love like a light switch. Sure, you can be angry, resentful, and incredibly hurt, but this doesn't just cancel out history and affection.
Still, this does not mean your husband gets a get-out-of-jail free card. He must take responsibility for his actions. He must be accountable and available. He should be very transparent - letting you know exactly where he is and who he is with. He must be willing to do whatever it takes to regain your trust. This doesn't happen over night. It will take work, honestly, accountability and responsibility on both of your parts. There will be some difficult days. You should absolutely speak up if you are not getting your needs met, if you still have doubts, or if there is something that you need from him but aren't getting. You should not let him off the hook or move on until all of these are completed to your satisfaction.
Why Still Loving Him Is In Itself Not Enough - Why You Need To Create Something Better: Many women will tell me that they are going to "love my husband through this." I understand this. But, know that this is often not enough. For your marriage to really thrive after an affair, you'll need to create something new and better that you can both get very excited about. You must affair - proof your marriage and this often means improving your communication, intimacy, and trust.
If you're just resorting to the same marriage, you will have the same vulnerabilities and doubts, and you won't be as happy and as fulfilled as you both could be. Create new, improved memories and experiences that make you want to look back rather to live with regret in the past.
I know that working through this and healing is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again
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